2+2 = 4...or maybe it equals 9

That's no hidden message, just the basic idea of my message today. Numbers don't always have to make sense.

Kory and I met with the doctor last week to go over the reasons for the IVF not working. The first reason was that my ovaries didn't react to the stimulation drugs like he expected them to. It seems mine reacted more like that of a 30-some year old. A lot of my eggs were not mature and couldn't be used. The quality of our embryos was also that of a 30-some year old. So apparently when I say I'm 25 years old, I mean only certain parts of me are 25.

The plan for our next IVF cycle is to greatly increase the dosage of the stimulation drugs. They couldn't do this on the first round because it would have made the risk of Over Hyperstimulation Syndrome too high. Now that we know how my ovaries produce, it will be safer and make more sense to use higher amounts of the drugs. We will also do all fertilization through the process ICSI, which is how our four successful fertlizations were this cycle. We didn't do all of them that way this time because we showed no need for that kind of assistance. Hopefully we'll get a lot more eggs and viable embryos, and who knows, maybe we'll even get to freeze some for the future!

Until then, because it's going to take us several months to come up with enough money for another round, we have to try to live life like normal and hope for a miracle. I'm told they happen more often than you'd think, and I've seen plenty of real-life examples. I just hope one happens to us...and soon!

The wait is over, and yet its just beginning

Unfortunately the phone rang today with not great news waiting on the other end of the line. It seems all of our efforts over the last three weeks were for nothing. Neither embryo implanted so the process is basically done now.

We go back next Wednesday for our WTF (yes, that means exactly what you think it means) appointment. Hopefully they will have some ideas for our next cycle even though we can't do another one for a bit. Unfortunately the doctor's office that we chose didn't offer any shared risk program so the money we already paid was a one-time shot. Now we have to keep making those payments and try to put aside more money for later. We have a plan, though at this point it doesn't feel very short-term.

I can't write too much more without breaking down in tears for the 15th time since 3 this afternoon so I'll just leave it that for now. Life sucks today, but eventually one of my tomorrows will be better...or at least I can hope.